A Different Wholeness

So, the blog went live this morning. The announcement email went out and within minutes a few folks were actually reading what I’d written so far…(eek!). When I first considered writing a blog about my experience with cancer, I was pretty nervous about “exposing” myself so candidly for the world to read.  But, then, after you’ve had ten or twelve strangers peering into your butt day after day, you tend to get a little jaded about “exposing” yourself.

As you can imagine, a diagnosis of cancer can suddenly bring about introspection in a big way.  As I was looking further within myself for answers to all sorts of questions, I came upon the idea of writing as a healing tool.  At first I imagined I would simply journal my thoughts privately. Then, as the flood of phone calls and emails began, it occurred to me to use a blog to keep people posted. But when some part of me began to consider posting my journal entries on the blog, that horrible little man behind the curtain also began to show up. (“What!? You can’t tell the whole world about the gory details of your rectal cancer! Are you nuts? Or, just totally self-absorbed! Why would anyone want to read about your dreary medical problems?”)

There is a book of daily meditations by Mark Nepo that I first began using when it was published ten years ago. It’s called The Book of Awakening and is truly poetic and inspiring. For several years, I faithfully read an entry each morning as a way of getting centered before heading off into the world for the day. When I moved to Santa Fe, my daily routine changed pretty radically and eventually I tucked the book on the shelf where it sat for many months.

A few days ago, I picked it up again for the first time in ages and turned to the meditation for that day. I saw the title: Revealing Who We Are. Then I read:

 No bird can fly/without opening its wings/and no one can love/without exposing their heart

followed by:

There is no chance of lifting into any space larger than yourself without revealing the parts you hold closest to your chest.

That brief bit of wisdom gave me the courage I needed to begin this somewhat uncomfortable form of public writing. Once friends and family members began to read the first few posts, I received even more affirmations that I’m taking a positive step toward my healing. So THANK YOU Angie, Cynthia, LuAnn, Melissa, Charles, Elaine, Mary, Christine, Celine, Tara-jenelle, Carol, Aunt Carol, Kati, Jenise, Nancy and EVERYONE else who sent encouraging comments (and no one, thank God, has had the nerve to tell me they think this is a terrible idea or that they don’t want to read about my shit). Thank you. I’m hoping not to whine too much.