A Different Wholeness

I turned to the meditation for August 20th in my beloved Book of Awakening and, as often happens, found something in the entry that spoke directly to my current situation.  I smiled with recognition as I read this quote by Swami Sivananda:

The inward battle – against our mind, our wounds, and the residues of the past – is more terrible than outward battle.

Although I’ve tried hard to avoid using the term “battle” in connection with my experience with cancer (choosing instead to use words like “journey” and “adventure” and “dance” as they seem less violent to me), I think this reflection by Swami Sivananda offers me a wise perspective on the what is really at the heart of all I’m dealing with these days.  Yes, my “outward battle” is with a disease that would like nothing more than to take over this shell I call my body, but I recognize also that a very real struggle I face daily is with my inward self – mostly with my mind that wants to take control, does not like the unknown, and works tirelessly to make things fit in it’s fairly narrow box of understanding.

For now, it’s enough just to be reminded of this and to try to be gentle with myself when I find my mind taking off down a road that really isn’t helpful or healthy.  It seems to me that beating myself up and doing “battle” with my inward self is probably equally as detrimental as letting cancer cells run wild in my body.  I believe the chemo and radiation treatment will do it’s job and make my “shell” inhospitable to cancer. All I really have to do is show up for treatment and endure some unpleasant side effects.  The much harder work is continually finding ways to nudge my mind back to a healthier path when what it wants to do is stray off course every few moments.