A Different Wholeness

In early summer, when I first had symptoms severe enough to send me to a doctor (who then recommended a colonoscopy), I let a few of my dearest friends know I was beginning to have concerns about my health. Right away each of them, in their own way, said they would keep me in their thoughts and prayers. What began then as a handful of the people dearest to me focusing their intentions on my behalf has somehow grown into a wide river of countless people, many of whom I’ve never met, all offering their love and thoughts and prayers for my healing.

Now, every day, I receive messages, comments, greeting cards, phone calls and hugs from many people, all telling me, in some form or another, that they are praying for me. It’s astounding and humbling, and often brings me to tears. I am extremely grateful. I know there truly is healing power in the combined energy of all these expressions of love.

There are many, many individuals who’ve told me they pray for me daily. In addition, I’m aware that several people have asked their family members and their churches to add me to their prayer lists. I’ve also heard that some of my fellow yoga students have dedicated their yoga practice to me.

One dear friend, Celine, who spends part of her time at a Buddhist retreat center (Tara Mandala, near Pagosa Springs, Colorado), wrote to me asking if she could give my name for prayer request to “the long term retreatants who live on this sacred land in solitude for one to three years.” How could I ever have imagined a scenario in which someone who made a vow to live in meditation and solitude for three years might be praying for me?

All of these, and so many more I haven’t listed here, fill me with awe and gratitude.

Another of my lovely friends, Jody, has also recently created a “virtual healing circle” in my honor. She’s asked if I would pass along an invitation for anyone who wishes to participate with them to add their energy to the circle. Jody writes:

A “virtual” healing circle assembles every morning at 5:30am EDT in honor of Karen. Bring your love, positive energy, healing intentions, spirit guides and whatever feels appropriate to you.

If you already have a different dedicated prayer/meditation time, you may still join us by setting the intention with your higher self to be present in lieu of your body during the specified time. Another idea is to visualize your intentions just before you go to bed at night. Assign a window of time, for example 5:30 am to 5:45 am (or whatever coordinates in your time zone) and give your higher self permission to participate on your behalf.

Visualize wholeness, happiness and peace!

I really don’t know how to adequately express how moved and honored and grateful and awestruck I am at all the ways you’ve each shown me love and compassion. Thank you everyone. Thank you.

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So, the blog went live this morning. The announcement email went out and within minutes a few folks were actually reading what I’d written so far…(eek!). When I first considered writing a blog about my experience with cancer, I was pretty nervous about “exposing” myself so candidly for the world to read.  But, then, after you’ve had ten or twelve strangers peering into your butt day after day, you tend to get a little jaded about “exposing” yourself.

As you can imagine, a diagnosis of cancer can suddenly bring about introspection in a big way.  As I was looking further within myself for answers to all sorts of questions, I came upon the idea of writing as a healing tool.  At first I imagined I would simply journal my thoughts privately. Then, as the flood of phone calls and emails began, it occurred to me to use a blog to keep people posted. But when some part of me began to consider posting my journal entries on the blog, that horrible little man behind the curtain also began to show up. (“What!? You can’t tell the whole world about the gory details of your rectal cancer! Are you nuts? Or, just totally self-absorbed! Why would anyone want to read about your dreary medical problems?”)

There is a book of daily meditations by Mark Nepo that I first began using when it was published ten years ago. It’s called The Book of Awakening and is truly poetic and inspiring. For several years, I faithfully read an entry each morning as a way of getting centered before heading off into the world for the day. When I moved to Santa Fe, my daily routine changed pretty radically and eventually I tucked the book on the shelf where it sat for many months.

A few days ago, I picked it up again for the first time in ages and turned to the meditation for that day. I saw the title: Revealing Who We Are. Then I read:

 No bird can fly/without opening its wings/and no one can love/without exposing their heart

followed by:

There is no chance of lifting into any space larger than yourself without revealing the parts you hold closest to your chest.

That brief bit of wisdom gave me the courage I needed to begin this somewhat uncomfortable form of public writing. Once friends and family members began to read the first few posts, I received even more affirmations that I’m taking a positive step toward my healing. So THANK YOU Angie, Cynthia, LuAnn, Melissa, Charles, Elaine, Mary, Christine, Celine, Tara-jenelle, Carol, Aunt Carol, Kati, Jenise, Nancy and EVERYONE else who sent encouraging comments (and no one, thank God, has had the nerve to tell me they think this is a terrible idea or that they don’t want to read about my shit). Thank you. I’m hoping not to whine too much.

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